A Lot On My Mind

See I sit here in the dark with only the light of my phone flashing in my eyes. I’ve been hurt so many times that even if a girl really likes me I believe its all a lie. Its funny how when I need people to talk to they are never there. But when they are going through some bullshit in their lives im always here. Listening, advising and making them feel better. Everytime when it all ends with the one I love I sit and say “Damn why didn’t I be the first one to hurt her”

It all boils down to one person and one person only. The one who is presented with love but because he’s been hurt alot he doesn’t see it boldly. I found myself pushing people that really do love me away because I was too scared I was gonna play with fire and get burnt. I been through way too much for a guy my age but I’m not complaining coz dealing with pain is what I have learnt. I’m not the perfect guy to have a relationship with, that much is obvious. But truth be told that my problem of forgiving people without digesting the pain has left me real fucked up. I’ve went from being cheated on to having my girl sleep with another man and I went through all of that like it was nothing.

I have bottled up too many feelings in my chest and talking about it is easy but who do I talk to? I can spill out my feelings at anytime, any day with anybody but still I have realized that not all people are your friends and not all people wish for good things to happen to you. I recently found a girl that I have conversations with and we all good, we both like each other. I’m scared to make a move on her because of all the experiences I have had in the past, what if it all goes wrong? What if we both run out of love? What if I become so held up on what happened in the past and I push her away? See all of this goes through my head everytime I think of making it official with us, I know that she probably waiting on that day and God knows that that day might never come. But that’s another story.

LOL!! Its not that I am pissed at the world for what I am getting. I am more pissed of with myself that I am always blind to see who is playing with me and I turn my back on those who do. I have tried leaving my past behind me, tried meeting up with ex girlfriends and settle it for good but all I get is women trying to get my love back coz apparently their “boyfriends” don’t treat them like I did. What I hate about that is I fall victim to the lies and I go back to getting hurt thinking to myself, lying and saying that this time it will be different.

When I say im single people laugh at me and think that I’m joking and that’s something that can never happen. They say things like

” if you single then I am also single”
” That would be the day. Wena single?”

They say it like its some kind of miracle. Truth be told I have a girlfriend, but that is just the tag. Ever been in a relationship but still felt single? That’s how it is, so when she say that she is seeing someone else I don’t mind coz her being my girlfriend is just there as a saying and nothing more. I have made mistakes in life and if this is how karma works then im quite thrilled. Nothing like what I expected really.

I feel like I done went through 6 heartbreaks in a single stroke. I haven’t really been the Chriztopher or the Itumeleng that everyone knows. I’ve just been this depressed guy that’s been focusing more on writing stories than what really matters most in my life and that is taking my career more serious like I do with my stories. I have reached a point in my life where giving a fuck about what anyone thinks doesn’t matter anymore, lol well not that it did in the past but that’s not the point.

I got so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even understand why I was mad. I should probably just cry all my pain out and wake up feeling all better but I will not be shedding my tears over love that was never mine. I’m Sorry for wasting your time and having you read this bullshit that I have written here. My friends told me that I should go out more and find myself a new girl to get over the ones that I have had. That was me back then, now I shall not have another girl be the distraction and a person to have false unreal love because I wanna get over other chicks. Im so done with that. Not that writing this has made me feel any better I’m still so much hurt that I wanna go back to my old ways of cutting myself to get rid of the pain I have.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond And This Is How I Feel.

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