Not His Girl

Have you ever fallen in love? Terrible isn’t it, it opens your chest for your heart to be ripped apart, slowly, unconsciously you become who you never dreamt of becoming, a monster. If love is such a good thing, why does it make me feel so sad? On an annual basis, I post on Facebook requesting people’s ten’s for whatsapp, hoping to form new friendships, I usually do this in August for some odd reason. I’m very selective in who to befriend and once the selection process was done, I had talks with numerous people, I made friends but I was struck by a particular being.

There’s something I find appealing about a guy who’s grammar and sentence construction was on point! He made me laugh, he was a Xhosa by blood (Halleluiah lol), he wished me well, supported and comforted me, what more could a girl ask for?

At some point I thought that he was created, just for me! Love is strange, there’s a saying:

“Relationships are more successful if the guy is more in it”

But I found it strange I mean how could a relationship work if one gives more than the other? Is that even natural? Is that how that cupid character set it out to be? It just didn’t make sense, but the truth of the matter is no matter how much you devote yourself to a guy, if his heart is somewhere else then he’ll never love you as much as you love him. This guy was heaven sent in my eyes.

I mean after 3 years of a toxic relationship and nearly 2 years of being single, he was like the light at the end of a long, dark, narrow tunnel. I used to look at him and think ‘fvck you, I love you so bad it hurts’ everything happened too fast; before I knew it I was addicted to him. We had the best of times together and I don’t regret a single second I spent with him. I began to trip when I didn’t see him, I’d miss him in my sleep and jumped at any chance to see him, even if it meant sneaking out at night, I didn’t care about the consequences I just had to be with him.

Because our relationship was impulsive, when things headed south I could see the end of this small haven, this little paradise I was in, I began to act crazy, no wait; the thought of losing him drove me crazy. There’s one thing I couldn’t get though, I’ve known him for less than a year and dated him for less than 2 months, why did he have that much effect on me? I guess it’s because everything made sense when I was with him, Love made sense and for me when there’s logic, there’s perfection.

But as the saying goes, every good thing has an end. Some ends come too soon, when we still want to fight and when we are just not ready to let go. I hate loss, it makes me feel like a loser, a useless person, and it breaks me. I watched him hug other girls and for that moment they held him, they didn’t know that they held my whole world, in a single moment when our relationship came to an end. And I saw him go back to the girl I feared he would end up with, it all started to hit me. I was just not his girl, she was. I wondered how he went from “I don’t publicise my relationships” to posting about her every now and then. How he spread the name he called me with and every bitch in the hood was called by that name. I wondered how he went from “I never wanna go on a day without you” to getting annoyed when I asked him to come see me. I wondered how he went from sending me good morning and good night texts to “I forgot to reply”. How we went from texting each other whenever we had the chance, sending each other VN’s and singing for each other to the awkward conversations which end in vain. How he gave away the simcard that was supposedly bought for me to call him when I wanted to.

The signs were all there, he would reply to his wall posts but “didn’t see” mine, he’d joke about her and he admitted to loving her. I was just not his girl. She is.

-When you sell a girl dreams, she’ll buy them with her soul\

Written by Lesego Le’Go Moshodi


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