Nothing Will Ever Be The Same

It was one winter afternoon when I was walking down the road and I laid my eyes upon the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in a long time. She was not the typical chubby Mamie, she was just something else. Ever looked at someone and you just couldn’t get your eyes off them? I mean like have you ever looked at someone and you just turned into stone? Well that’s what she did to me. Where are my manners, let me tell you what I saw:

She had on a black dress, a blue jacket & some high heels [I don’t know what you girls call them but you get what I am trying to say]. Even thou she was short she had legs for days & months to come. She had these pretty brown eyes, chubby cheeks and a pair of twins I would just sleep on the whole night. I’m giving away too much information, you get the picture.
I was completely struck by love at first sight and in my heart I already knew that I wanted to be with her and have her as my girlfriend. So after that day I saw her walking in the distance I told myself that the next time I see her again I am going to make my move. This is when I started planning conversations in my head, imagined her laughing and giving me that sweet smile she had. So me not seeing her more often drove me to a point of no return, a point where all I saw was her, I dreamt of her, I imagined dating her already. I tried every means of trying to find who she was around social networks, narrowed searches to impossible limits I was just literally going crazy because of this girl. This is when I started to give up and I told myself that I won’t be seeing her again nor get to know her name and whatever happens after.
Right after I gave up I started having these dreams, creepy but I loved them. Dreams that she and I were an item and we had a happy relationship. I remember having this one dream whereby she took my phone and put her numbers in and saved it under a sweet name like “Future Wife” or something like that. It made me so happy that I woke up with a big smile on my face and started going through my phone contacts to try and see if it was really real or it was only a dream and to my disappointment it was only just a dream. So from there on the dreams started torturing my soul, during the day I was just a normal every day guy who had this big hole in his heart but hid it from the world to see. The hole was more like a missing part of the puzzle that will complete me and at that moment the only thing that could fill it up was this mystery girl. One I didn’t know whether I will or won’t see again. By the night time when I laid my head on the pillow I was as a happy as I could be, this pushed me to have suicidal thoughts. I mean I was happier when I slept than when I was awake. Like they say:

“To live doesn’t meant that you’re alive.”
I mean what was the use of me getting up every day and all I did for the whole day was just hope time travels fast so it could be night time then I can spend some time with the lady in my dreams. I know it might just sound like I am crazy but I guess love at first sight has never struck you like it has struck me.
Now tell me have you ever made eye contact with a complete stranger and during that time everybody in the room cleared and all you could see is them? They smile at you and you automatically smile back? You try to shy away by looking down but when you look their way they are still looking at you? Ever felt at peace and just basically at ease by the eyes of a stranger?
Yes you have or maybe you haven’t? Don’t worry it’s okay, even what I explained above doesn’t even come close to defining how seeing that girl that day completely changed my life.
One fateful day I decided that life was not for me anymore ever since I just couldn’t find that one person that could fill up that hole in my heart. So there I was walking through a busy intersection hoping for one speeding car to come hit me and end my life right then and there but that didn’t happen. I walked through the most dangerous places of the city at a bad time hoping thugs would want to mug me and when they discover that I have nothing they will just stab me and run so I would lie there and just die, but that didn’t happen they were greeting me like we‘ve known each other for a while. I went to clubs to make trouble so that someone could just get pissed off and stab me with a bottle or something but that didn’t happen, matter of fact most people decided I should come down, go sit with them and they offered me booze. So it was just down to one more option, go to the nearest bridge during rush hour and just jump. Sounds like a great plan I mean no one will be nice to me and cool things off, nobody will be there to see me so I would just get hit by a speeding car, hit the tar road hard and just die instantly.
The day started as usual and when the time for rush hour came I was on my way to the bridge to end my life that wasn’t worth living anymore. Have you ever had that feeling when you walk that there’s someone trying to stop you? You hear all the whistling but one just sounds like it is aimed at you? Well I heard someone whistling and it sure sounded like it was aimed at me so I looked back and when I did almost immediately I saw this girl waving at me and giving me hand signals that I should stop. I looked around and I was just the only one on that side of the road so I slowed down in order to see who it was and what she wanted from me. As she came closer and closer I just couldn’t believe my eyes, this was my mystery girl and she was walking my way, stopped me while I was on the road to meet my maker. This must have been a sign from God that I wasn’t supposed to end my life there was just more to life and I just had to see it. While I was busy thinking all these stupid things she was already here and the conversation went on like this:
Her: Hi
Me: H….e…l…l…o
Her: *chuckles* I’m sorry to bother you but I have been seeing you lately and I just couldn’t help but think I know you from somewhere.
Let’s just stop there for a moment and just reflect at the state of mind I was in. This was like having your crush walk up to you and start saying things but all you hear is “I love you. I love you. I love you”. I just thought I should bring you up to speed to how I felt at that moment… Anyway…
Me: I’m sorry you must be mistaking me for someone else. I am not who you think I am.
Her: GIFT, your name is Mpho right?
Me: *astonished* How did you know my name?
Her: Look this is not going the way I planned it but all I want to say to you is that, I really like you and I just want to get to know you better. But if you don’t want the same then I will understand.
After she said that I paused for a while and I just couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than to just be with her, I mean she was all I ever wanted from the moment I laid my eyes upon her. Truth be told she still looked as fine as she did from the last moment I saw her only difference was that now she was close and was having a conversation with me and most of the time when she spoke I couldn’t hear a word she was saying. Anyway…
Me: Okay look you know my name and I don’t know yours and now you talking about getting to know me like you’ve been seeing me around. Know what fine then I wouldn’t mind getting to know you better.
Her: I’m sorry I was just too forward I even forgot to introduce myself. The name is Mpolokeng and here are my numbers feel free to call me at any time you want to meet. See you around.

With that being said she left and I was left sweating like I have been running from something. I was speechless and in my head all I could think of was that, dreams really do come true. Instead of going ahead with the plan of jumping off a bridge I just decided that I will be going back home and just reflect on what just happened but before that I picked up a brick and had it make a free fall from my hand to my foot just to make sure that this wasn’t one of those dreams where you wake up and feel like it happened. That was one of the dumbest things I did. Who in their right minds just throws a brick at their foot to make sure they’re not sleeping? What happened to pinching yourself so you know it’s real? So there I was walking home limping. Only when I arrived at my room did I get the opportunity to just celebrate victory, I mean when I went out and left the aim was to go and end my life but hey look who’s back in the same room he left to kill himself a while ago? I guess God had bigger plans for me, I mean He didn’t end my life when I tried a couple of days ago because He was going to make my dreams come true, which happened and I am so glad it did.

So there I was running up and down looking at my phone thinking whether I should or I shouldn’t call the girl. What does she think of me? Will she want to meet up with me? I had all sorts of questions I asked myself but the answer to all of them lied in me pressing that dial button. After some time I decided I should just do it, which I did. When she answered I almost immediately hung up but she was cool and we just talked and decided to meet up immediately. So I quickly got changed and went to meet up with this chick, I arrived at the spot she wanted us to meet and she wasn’t there yet so I figured that I was rushing maybe she is on her way. Little did I know that after the call she was freshening up so that when she meets me, she smells & looks superb if you know what I mean? I waited for about 15-20 minutes before she actually showed up. I was already thinking that she sold me dreams and she wasn’t gone show up but I was wrong the time I actually stood there waiting for her actually paid off, I mean when she showed up she looked amazing. I couldn’t believe my eyes I didn’t even recognize her, so she walked up to me and gave me this long warm hug. That “I haven’t seen you in a while” kind of hug, that “oh baby I really missed you” kind of hug if you know what I mean.
We took a walk getting to know each other better, shared a laugh, played around a little bit until she told me that she has been eyeing me and she would most definitely love to get a taste of me and before I could even think of how to respond to her she was already kissing me and so we kissed for a while until she told me that she loved me. Funny enough I was about to say the same thing but I was scared to say it and she did. We went through everything and made sure that we were on the same page and from that moment on we were dating. I walked her to where she lives and she was really ecstatic that we were finally an item, she was more happy than I was. Which made me think that she has been looking at me for a long time and she did some background check on me and when she saw me she made sure that she would express how she feels. It’s just amazing what can happen in just 2 hours, if I had to rewind to 2 hours earlier I was about to jump off a bridge and possibly end my life, fast forward 2 hours later the girl of my dreams is now in my arms and now the lady in my life. I was happy that finally that little hole that was in my heart was finally filled by the same person I wanted it to be. It was just like one of those moments whereby you want something really bad and when you get it everything just falls into place. But want to know what ticks me off about wanting something so bad? It’s the fact that once you get it you are happy for a few days and the next day you don’t want it anymore. Why we do this you ask? Simple, because when you want something you picture stuff to do with it. You tell yourself that if you get it you are going to do this and this and that with it. What’s the first thing you do when you get it? Do all the stuff you said you would it gets boring after a while and soon you don’t see the need for it. This is exactly what happened to me and Mpolokeng. I was so eager to get her and when I did I know I was happy and I wanted to do so many things with her which I did but after a month of us dating everything started changing. I wasn’t as interested in her as I was a month ago I mean I done did all the things I have always wanted with her and now it all seemed just worthless. So we started arguing more than we had a good time, I saw her crying more than I saw her smiling, she was always in depressed mode more that she was in that happy mode. This is when I came to realize that I literally just messed everything up for the both of us. I was supposed to be that boyfriend who understands, loves, listens, encourages and is always there for someone, I was but my actions didn’t prove anything. I was busy telling her how much I love her but all this time I was breaking her heart. I guess it’s true when they say “We are hurt by the people we love the most.” We attempted breaking up a few times but I was always fighting so that it doesn’t happen because this here girl made me whole. The more I fought for us to not separate the more pain I brought into the relationship. She finally reached a point of no return, in a relationship you guys can go through thick and thin but I was taking her through hell and this was not what she was looking forward to when she approached me that day. So I guess I’m not too good with women and I will never be, so when it comes to women nothing will ever be the same. I guess I am cursed.

 

All I’m saying is that I put too much thought into having a relationship with this girl and there’s nothing wrong about that. What was wrong was me putting this poor girl on a high pedestal. If you want things to work out between you and your partner then you should never expect more from them. Whatever your expectations are you better remove them. You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow, I mean they might meet someone they are more comfortable with than you the next day and leave you. So always make sure that you elevate your partner to the highest point possible, because then they will be less available to other people. So treat your loved one like a King/Queen and just make the most of your relationship with them. If you don’t treat them right someone else will.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond And This Is My Story.

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