Hi there, its me again
“I want to start out by saying with everything in my life that has lead me to this point, all the pain, confusion, and loneliness, but I found something… I found the meaning of love. I found what love is and what it does for a person. I have been going nuts thinking about the past today I am moving forward. Today I am believing in God and that he has someone out there for me. Love is making it hard to move forward because I have no one but in believing that you are out there I have come to realize something… I can love you even though I don’t know who you are. The past/back story isn’t as important as where I am going in life. From here on out in my life I will be preparing myself for you. When it is God will for us to be together until then I must prepare. I know all this may just sound like the typical guy trying to find a girl but to be honest even though I have come to a point whereby I must prepare for you I seriously can’t because I can’t move on.”
Yes I have been thinking about you and to be quite honest, my heart aches for you today. I’m nowhere near ready for you to come around and surprise me, but I wanted to write to you. I’m staring at the screen, at the keyboard, eyes all teary and I’m at home. I really wish I had said this all in the past but that time has passed. I am trying to finish writing this letter, but I can’t focus. I miss you.
I’m going to be a little insensitive right now, I hope you can try to understand me. I don’t know if you and I have already crossed paths. I’m not sure that if we have, I’d be alright with being with someone who’s hurt me or someone who has decided to give me another chance. I have big trust issues and once that trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to get back. I’m waiting for the feelings to fade, if that’s possible. I don’t know if you’re someone from my past or if you’re someone I’m yet to meet. But, I want to be honest with you.
I’m still in love with someone and the fact that they don’t want to be with me anymore still kills me. I just went through a bad break up with the love of my life because while she was busy fighting for their life I was busy running around and being in other girl’s pants. And now that they are gone my life is no longer the same. I think I’m waiting for them to stop contacting me. I think I’m waiting for them to fade and become a memory so I can start healing.
My heart aches, future Mrs Raymond and I don’t know if it’s for you or for them or if you’re the both of those people.
I’m lost, confused, depressed and I’m frustrated because I can’t get around to the answers for them to stay long enough. I’m becoming hopeless, hopeless that I’ll ever be able to tackle this pain. I’m sorry if this pains you because all you ever want for me is happiness. But, I’m not happy. I have deep feelings for this girl and I know she loves me too but because I broke her heart and trust she doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
People tell me to let go. They tell me to move on because that someone has already done that and that I’m subjecting myself to this and it’s all on me and they’re right I seriously can’t deny the fact that they are. But, I can’t just drop everything, I can’t just forget how she made me feel and she still makes me feel when I think of her. I know some people break their promises and I know that there are some people that won’t break them. I know that sometimes people don’t deserve the kind of things they go through, but we have the choices to do something about it. I’m being the idiot who chooses to try and I’m trying until I have nothing else to try with. I’m pushing it, whatever it is, without pausing. I’m trying to run out of gas, so that at least, then I won’t feel like I didn’t give it my all. I don’t normally break my promises and I hope when I meet you, you won’t either.
But, right now I’m tired. I’m tired of hoping. Of feeling this way and the days that come, that I feel like something is working, like I’m getting over the bridge; they pop up and I’m at this standstill where I still get butterflies and I still get excited and it all passes by so quickly. It all fades and I’m sitting, alone; again. I’m tired of having to fall asleep with that someone being there on my mind, but not here.
I’m trying, I think when it’s our time you will know just how much I try each time. I don’t want to be judged by the world; by my past. I don’t want to lose hope that you and I will have our time, that it won’t be temporary. I don’t want to think that I’ll never be able to get over this. I don’t want you to promise me something you can’t keep. I really can’t wait for us to be together whether it’s for the first time or again but right now I am not in the right state of mind to be with anyone else but my previous lover who I still have deep feelings for.
I’m sorry my Future Mrs Raymond. But, thank you for listening to me.
My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond & This Letter Is Addressed To My Future Mrs Raymond.