I Just Can’t Help It

The following piece I wrote on Monday 06 April 2015 at 00:12. I was just hurt by the actions of this here girl who I still have deep feelings for, regardless of what she has done or how she is. When I wrote it; I was a bit teary and really hurt, if we could see how people feel then my friends would’ve been able to see my heart bleeding and my soul tearing apart. To this day I still ask myself these questions;

Why is it that we fall for the people that hurt us the most all the time?

Is it because we believe that they will change?

Is it because we see a different side of them nobody even them can see?

Is it because we believe that in time they will realize our worth and start treating us different?

“Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think. Not wonder. Not imagine. Not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best”- Unknown Author

Here it goes.

I don’t know if I should go back to where it all started or should I just say how I feel at the moment. See when I’m with someone I fail to see the small things that hurt them. For example:

A change in their tone either texting or talking

A point where they are down and they need me to uplift them

Just to name the small details.

My last girlfriend made me aware that I am self-centred and as much as I hate to admit it its true but ay this right here is another story for some other time. Let me just go back to how this whole story started.

It was the June of 2012 when I was on my way to Johannesburg to get myself some fresh clothes. As soon as I reached the taxi rank I decided to call my “high school” lover who decided that we should meet up and head over to her place. At first I thought that I’m gone get laid “Lucky me!!” but that wasn’t the case. We chilled and then headed over to where my friends live, when we got there I chilled with them for about 3 hours until I told them that I have to go I will come back later, they escorted me to the taxi rank and I left. Long story short I decided to sleep over for the night and on that decision I came across this other fine piece of God created art. I am going in deep detail for this one pay attention (you might just get a picture of who I am talking about)

She was tall and her skin shined like that outside golden tap near the kitchen door that your mom makes you apply “Brasso” and make it clean.(only African people will get that.) Her hair was long and well taken care of. She smiled and dear Lord did I see those beautiful while teeth. Her eyes where what caught my attention, they were brown and sexy. Don’t take that the wrong way her eyes were really sexy. Model legs and figure but man did she have a bright future behind her.

Did I fall for her then? In the end its love at first sight because you can’t see someone walk by and fall in love with their personality. And to answer you “YES” I fell for her, HARD even. I have not seen a girl so beautiful before. After the introduction I just fell back and started studying this girl like a science exam, and I found out that this right here fine lady was a bad girl and a good girl all in one. She could be your gangster lover to a church girl, full package. And I just couldn’t talk a lot around her and this is how my friends realised that I seriously had the fire burning for this girl. No cupid didn’t strike me with those love arrows, I was hit by lightning. The following day arrived and in the morning I started asking about her, who she was who she is dating, where does she live and where does she school. I was really interested and I had a girlfriend at the time, silly me. I got all the answers and I loved them all except the fact that she had a man, I understand that she is too good to be single but I just wanted her to myself. I was so obsessed about getting her that I made sure every time schools close that was my destination every time.

September break came and I went over as it was starting to be a habit and the guys figured that it would be great to go out and have some fun which sounded like a great idea. I didn’t like it much because I haven’t yet seen that beautiful lady that I am here for. The time to head out was closing in and I just wanted to see her and have the guys persuade her into accompanying us. And guess what? She came and she was in the mood for heading out and I was ecstatic, I just wanted the booze to kick in so I just go to her and start get my game on. Yes I needed booze to get me to that point besides

“A drunk tongue is an honest tongue” too honest sometimes.

So we turning up and get my game face on, signal the guys that I’m going in. I gets in there and the chick is feeling me too, best feeling ever. Word for that night was:

“Imagination” – when you have a crush on someone and they have a crush on you back.

I started loosening up when we started clicking and started feeling each other more and oh, feeling on each other too. Stop it Chriz you nasty!!

We start kicking it out in the club and us going at it every now and then and in the back of my head I’m like “Man I made it”. Closing time hits and we all heading home and here I am with this chick and some other friend, we hit my friends room and he leaves us there guess he read the signs correct. So I did something I think I recently realized that I’m now good at. Which is nag a girl to introduce her lips to mine so she could taste heaven. She agreed after a minute of saying no and when she did the ball started rolling. This was the real first kiss, details:

She was sitting on a chair by the bed and I was sitting on the bed, we were facing each other. She stood up, closed my legs with her knees, sat on top of me and put her arms around me and I did so mine. We had an intimate kiss to a point whereby I was lying on the bed with my hand up her shirt and hers on my face but that’s just how it all went nothing further. We slept together and when I say slept I mean that, not slept together in the sense that we had sex, don’t let your imagination run wild.

In the morning she got up and said that she had to go home it was all cool with me but I made her promise me that she will come back to see me before I left and she did promise. That Sunday morning I was the happiest man, happy to a point that my friend believed that I hit that when I really didn’t, but you know guys will never believe you if you say you spent the night with a girl and you didn’t have sex with her so I let them believe what they wanted. Oh I forgot to mention, when she left she left her numbers and told me to let her know when I’m about to leave. I did that and I didn’t get any response back from her, I mean time was flying I kept on hoping that she will show up but she didn’t until I left. I was really heartbroken on that 4 hour trip back to school, all I kept thinking about was what an epic night I had but she broke her promise, okay let me make this clearer before I forget. I and this chick were not boyfriend and girlfriend, at the time we were in a situationship kind of thing.

Situationship – we just chill, kiss, cuddle, have sex but we are not dating. In simple terms we were kind of “Friends with benefits” emphasis on the kind of. So I couldn’t understand why I was so heartbroken and angry when she wasn’t even mine. Fast forward a month later I’m there again to see this chick and this time around I had just put it all behind me and she was just a friend but I loved her still. We kept in contact from that point on and everything was just great, as friends though. Now we skip a series of texting and chilling together with friends to close to a year later, July of 2013 we met while I was in town and we decided to stop sparking and ignite a flame on the chemistry we had and so we did. We started dating and it was great, I mean this girl was looking finer than when I first saw her. The only thing that was killing what we had was the distance between us, it was really killing the vibe. Move over a month to September of 2013, we broke up. No, let me rephrase, she broke up with me because I was everything she wanted in a guy but she wasn’t ready for me.

“Meeting the right person at the wrong time.”

I understood besides I had a side chick creeping on the low so she was about to be promoted due to the rather unfortunate turn of events. From that point on we were never mad at each other, we, in fact became even closer than before and there was nothing but love shared between us. Fast forward from the September of 2013 to the March of 2015. Keeping in mind that from that point up until this time we were still cool with each other and we were friends. I has been a while since I came through to see my boys and I met her, she was really happy that I’m here we hugged and it was all smiles. Enough with the pleasantries for now, it has all come to this point whereby I’m hurt.

As her friend I’m happy that she is seeing somebody but in all honesty she is with the wrong guy, deciding to be another guy’s second option and in total and complete denial of being on the top of my list and being my queen. The fact that she knows how I truly feel about her and yet she still proceeds to do what she does cuts my soul. I know that she loves me she told me that and she knows I feel the same about her, but every time I raise the point of us dating she keeps going on and on about how it is complicated and I wouldn’t understand. I have tried everything that I can to make her open up to me and make me understand but I failed on several occasions not because I can’t get through to her but for the mere fact that she is scared that if she gets with me she will do the same mistake that she did before and pushed her to break up with me. I for the life of me will never understand women, I mean we all don’t understand women so much that THEY can’t even understand themselves. If I am losing it somebody please knock some sense into me but I would like to have someone explain this to me.

You are a girl who is in love with this guy who has his own girlfriend, despite him having his Mrs So all that you still choose to be with him and be the other option. On the other hand you love this guy that wants to be everything and more to you, who will be your number one guy but you don’t want to date him because as you say

“It’s complicated and I won’t understand”

Forgive me if this will cut deep but I think the reason you refuse so badly to be with me is not because you have a boyfriend or should I say you prefer being a deputy girlfriend to another guy, but the fact that you love me so much and you don’t know if I will be able to match up and give you all the love that you be giving me in return. Or maybe it’s the fact that you prefer fucking (excuse my French) around with temporary dudes than to get into something serious with somebody. You scared to be committed yet you want to have me so bad but you hide it all because your so called boyfriend is around. You have changed from this beautiful girl I fell in love with to this lame ass girl with ratchet tendencies. I still see that little spark of the lady I fell in love with in your eyes every time I talk to you and you smiling at me, but as soon as I speak of us as an item you immediately switch off and all you see is darkness and being this little hoe you growing to be.

Hate me all you want but here I just wanted to tell it like it is. What’s all this complication? And what’s so hard I can’t understand? Lame ass excuses because you scared of the real deal. Anyway I just figured I should let this all out while I was still heated I didn’t want to wait until it was too late. I LOVE YOU just come to me already.

“It kinda sucks when people don’t realize how much you care for them”

My Name Is Chriz Raymond and This Is #BrokenSilence

L E T T H E W O R D S S P R A Y

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