Conversations With My Inner Voice

Why are emotions so complicated?

Is this how Adam felt when he was all alone? Maybe he was feeling all this loneliness that’s why God created a woman to fill up that space.

And then I think to myself

“Maybe that’s what I need in my life a woman. A woman is going to complete me and make my life whole again” as I rejoice and feel better about myself.

Then there’s a voice that comes from the back of my thoughts laughing really loud

“What do you want from me?” I shout at myself.

The laughter grows louder and louder as I smash my phone against the bed and kid my chair in anger.

“You don’t have to be mad at the world and you don’t have to shout I’m talking from deep inside you. How can you say you need a woman when you can’t handle one” – The voice calmly says.

“What are you talking about?” I ask

The Voice: “Boy you haven’t had the urge to handle a woman ever since your first real committed relationship didn’t work out.”

Me: “But I’ve had tons of relationships after that”

The Voice: *laughs* “And did any of those relationships last more than a year or 6 months maybe?”

Me: “No they didn’t but that doesn’t mean that I can’t handle a woman. I know how to take good care of a woman”

The Voice: “Stop lying to yourself all here talking about how you can handle a woman. Flash back to exactly a year ago, yes her.”

Me: “Don’t you dare talk about her”

The Voice: “Why? You scared that I might bring out some disturbing news?”

Me: “You don’t know shit about what happened between me and her. So why don’t you just get out of my head and leave me alone”

The Voice: ” You forget that me and you are one and the same. I know everything about you. Maybe that’s why she left you huh? Little kid who doesn’t know how to treat a woman right? You were faced with the challenge of your life. You out here whining about how you wanted a real woman when you had one and you couldn’t even tell when she’s mad. Not feeling well or when there’s tension in the room”

Me: “shut up”

The Voice: ” That’s why she left you, you can’t handle shit”

Me: “Shut Up”

The Voice: ” You never there whenever anyone needs you but you always expect people to be the for you.”

Me: ” SHUT UP!!!”

Open the drawer and first thing I saw was a knife. Pulled it out, firm grip on it and pushed myself against the wall with it placed on my neck.

Me: “I will fucking kill you even if it means I have to kille me too”

The Voice: ” Do it. Do it”

Hand heavy on my neck not even letting the knife go. I try to move it but I think this was the strength of my voice was really pushing. Palms all sweaty, I pushed my hand with the other hand. Removed my right hand so bad I gave my right hand a scar right near my wrist. Bleed for a good 5 minutes without moving an inch. I watched my blood hit the floor while my mind was all blank.

When I finally came back from all that blankness. Only then did I realize that I’m wearing white track pants and I just made a bloody mess… Only now am I feeling the pain from my hand and I have the right hand holding over my chest. Sweating and only now have I realized I been fighting with myself.

I still have the scar on my right arm and everytime I look at it I remember that sometimes the only person that can save is you.

My Name Is Chriz Raymond And This Is My Story



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