I was sort of the perfect daughter, the good girl, the saint but still sinned. The year 2016 everything changed completely.
When you’ve been through so much difficulties and you are so stressed out that you do not realize that you’re actually busy losing yourself, hoping someone will be there for you. This chapter of my life started. I met this pretty perfect guy, the guy whom I thought was perfect enough for me. I was willing to do anything he asked me to do. I was incapable of handling myself around him. I wanted to try something new, be with someone different and I ended up being different by the illusion, that he completes me.
Sleepless nights I went through while I was with him, because that was the only time I got to think sober minded. I wasn’t in love, but I was in love with the thought of being in love. I craved love and affection or maybe I was just desperate to feel love.
I loved someone else, an ex lover and I discovered that everytime I am in a relationship with someone else. I caused damage, broke so many hearts and gave so many false hope. And the fact that none of my relationships worked out, made me do introspection and I realized I was the problem. I didn’t love myself enough, didn’t believe in myself enough and saw any girl as a threat, because of my low self-esteem.
Back to the guy who changed me. It was the greatest three months and I thought I was ready to settle down, but neither of us signed up for a long distance relationship. He left for two weeks and while he was gone, my ex was constantly on my mind. He made me feel wanted and I’ll never feel that warmth again. Sometimes I dreamed about him and so wished it was reality. Nobody will ever understand how much it hurts. How bad I want him but it’s too late. I loved him so much that if ever I tell someone I hate him, my eyes got teary and I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me. Sometimes I wish I can have all those bad times back so I can have the good.