2 decades old and I still haven’t touched love.

I am BlaQed!

I really don’t know if I’ve been a little too blind, too ignorant or simply too naive to even see what love is in my life or even to me.

…but then again I think my innocence had me looking for love only in the comfort of my own home and nowhere else and my pain embellished fear has forbidden me from taking off the blindfold that has helped turn a blind eye against love for so long because my heart was never really ready to get hurt and actually feel pain.

See…the closest I ever got to being “in love” was finding best friends and promising that I’ll never ever leave their sight.
Dedicating my life to keeping them happy and praying to God that I never do anything to encourage them to leave my sight because I simply know that without them in my life I’ll never survive.

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Untitled, Uncut, Not Edited, Raw

I once met a good girl
But at the time
She had a man yo
Said she couldn’t date me
But we can still be friends doe
Her boyfriend
Hated that kid bro
Treated her just like a hoe
Like she trash all on the floor
He cheated her
With every Fvcking chick
Then goes back to her
Like it ain’t nix dawg
All I ever wanted
Was to punch this kid bruh
But Im chilled
I ain’t with the shvt bruh
The mami game
Was hella proper
Wit the steeze yo
And sometimes I’d look at her
And just wanna hit boi
The fvckboi
Don’t care about her
Anyway
He fvcks her
Then its back
To his cheating ways
He saw a dumb bitch
That’s on call at any time
I saw a dumb kid
That’s busy playing
Wit a dime
She always praying
That she break the cycle
Back at home
Daddy never ever cared
Mommy Fvcking everywhere
Showed her the light
And now the girl is really mine
She found me and knew
That I will always make her smile
I found her and knew
That I will be balling for life
Wont hesitate
To get a ring
Make her my wife
Called me
Her one and only
Her true lover
With me she never lonely
Coz I lover her
And see that
Was all I ever wanted
For her
One fateful day
Im kicking it
Having a jol
Then suddenly my girlfriend
Received a phone call
Its the hospital
Calling bout the fvckboi
Telling her he critical
The car he drove
A write off
She hung up
Broke into tears
Im looking at her
And now im really scared
I asked her what’s wrong
She couldn’t even
Say a word
Grabbed her bag and took off
Left me lying on the bed
I gave chase
Knowing that something is wrong
Caught up
Looked her in the face
And said what’s really going on?
She looked at me and said
I cant really talk about it
Its nothing major
So please baby
Don’t worry bout it
Got in a cab
And headed straight
To the hospital
She pacing in the hall
Coz his chances are minimal
10 minutes later
Homie didn’t make it
He lost alot of blood
And the doctors
Couldn’t help him
She went home
To find her mom with a new man
Locked herself inside her room
Grabbed a paper and a pen
To my dear mother
Im tired and I’ve had enough
I hope you find
A good man
No more new daddy’s Ma
My first love
Is in a better place
They say he was too drunk
And got into a drag race
He was drinking alot
Because of me
If I never left him
He won’t be in that space
He’d still be here
Brushing my hair
Kissing my face
To my dear true love
Chriz Ray
I just wanna let you know
Its been great
Thank you for all the love
And the cheese cake
I hope you find
A girl
That loves you as you did me
Yours truly
Well I can’t say her name
She pulled out a shoe box
With no shoes in it
All it had was a gun
She got in the streets
Tears running down
The cheeks as she held the piece
Said a prayer
And then she put the gun
On her head
A loud bang
Was all her mother ever heard
Ran to her room
And found her dead
On the bed

Anxiety vs. Love (Chapter 1)

Melanie added Shadrack on Facebook not knowing he would end up owning her heart. Melanie posted a picture on Facebook, quoting it “I love myself.”
And he commented “Maybe I love you too”. She did not expect that, she did not know how to reply to that. Melanie decided to inbox Shadrack. Gave him her number and they started talking on WhatsApp Messenger. All this happened during April 2013. They never met each other, they only spoke via WhatsApp Messenger until August 2013.
Kim was the only one who knew about him before August. She is like
Melanie’s sister. They share everything.
Melanie and Shadrack’s first meeting.
Kim and Chantelle went with Melanie to Shadrack’s hood.
Chantelle: I am still angry at you for not telling me about him.
(Chantelle took out her phone and called her boyfriend to tell him she will be unavailable the whole day.)
Kim: JBS girlfriend, we kept this secret from everyone, she only told me a few weeks ago. I am kind of against this meeting.
(Kim looked Melanie and her facial expression was playing with Melanie’s head.)
Melanie: (Melanie stopped them and looked at them.) Okay let me just make this clear for you two. I love this guy although I have never met him. I am not going to let you guys play with my head. I am telling you this guy is legit and I really have it deep for him.
They kept on walking. Melanie was nervous. Kim did not like the idea at all and Chantelle was cool, she was always sticking by Melanie no matter what she decides on. Her words ‘As long as you are happy’. They saw Shadrack…
Melanie went to Shadrack. Kim and Chantelle went their own way.
Shadrack: Hey (He gave Melanie a hug.)
Melanie: Hey

Shadrack and Melanie had it deep for each other. In this chapter they only meet each other. No kissing… Just a friendly hug. Melanie knew when he hugged her. The love is for real.

To Be Continued

Something At First Sight

I’ve always had a problem with beginning a story, same as this one. I don’t know where to start but then again I wanna tell you about it.

So just sit back relax and take a journey with me down memory lane. This Is My Story.

The reason the title of this particular piece is “Something” At First Sight is because some feelings you just cant put a name to them.

The same as sex, how does one begin to explain the feeling of sliding the D into the P (as a guy) and having it slide in you (as a girl).

Can’t quite explain it right?

The same as the “Something” at the beginning of my title.

Its when you see someone and you completely start to become hot and cold at the same time. Heart beats rapidly inside your chest, to a point where you can hear you heartbeat in your ears. Your palms are sweaty. You can start to hear yourself breathing heavily and you break a sweat.

At that point you don’t know how exactly you’re feeling and you cant put into words. And that’s just about how I felt.

I was last in a registration queue at one University applying for a semester course, and this is course before the second semester started. I was seated next to a lady who looked to be in her early 30’s, good looking too. In a way she reminded me of “My Cougar”. In her hands she had 2 phones, an iPhone 6s and a Galaxy J5, I couldn’t help but notice that everytime I took my phone out to respond to WhatsApp texts her wyes would lean in a bit and looked at my phone. I was tempted to tell her to mind her business but the queue was long and I didn’t wanna stay silent the whole time, and so I started a conversation about her Apple iPhone and told her liked it. She laughed a bit before saying what most bragging people love to say

“Oh its nothing really”

I smiled and in the back of my mind I was like “Yeah right its nothing”, and that’s how the conversation between me and this here lady started. We spoke for like a good 5 minutes before someone came and sat next to me in line. I didn’t pay much attention to the person who just sat next to me in line because I was busy talking big game with the lady in front of me in line. Our conversation quickly heated up as we were now doing bedroom talk. I asked her if size matters in the bedroom and she laughed before she said “Yes of course size does matter, what do you think” after saying that she turned to the person next to me and asked her the same question I asked her, as she was asking the question I was looking down with a smile, I will tell you why in a moment.
The person next to me responded by saying “Not only size but performance too” and they laughed. I looked at the owner of the angelic voice that just spoke next to me and I got lost in her eyes.
Have you ever looked at someone in the eyes so long that you don’t even realize you’re looking at them?
I got so lost in thought that she started snapping her fingers in front of my face and when I finally came to my senses she was laughing at me and her smile almost instantly put me in flight mode again. “Are you okay?” she asked, “No. Yes. No, wait what did you say?” I replied while rubbing my eyes and shaking my head as if I was trying to come back to my senses. “Are you okay? Need a glass of water? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She said while laughing, “No I’m okay” I replied. The lady I was conversing with tapped me on the shoulder and when I looked over she was smiling like your friend would when they know they played the best wingman or wingwoman (if theres such) part.
She leaned forward as a person would if you talking to a person next to the one you seated with, and she said “Guys if you don’t mind could you please guard my spot for me. The line is long and I have errands to run, I will be back.” Me and the fine girl seated next to me agreed and she took her stuff and left.
Okay before I proceed I would like to rewind to a couple of lines back. Remember when I was smiling looking down and I said I will tell you why? Yep that part, well heres why.
When I asked the lady if size matters I was really expecting to be told where to get off but it didn’t happen. And when I asked the question about size mattering in the bedroom I was actually talking about a bed. Yes you read right I said BED. You guys are dirty minded.
Anyway let me tell you about this here girl that I’m currently seated with.
She was dressed for her body, skinny jeans that exposed her curves, a t-shirt that hugged her and showed her chested self and a jacket.
Black beauty with a killer smile.
Eyes that can make a man confess shit he ain’t even done.
So I introduced myself as Chriz, that’s what I do. And she introduced herself as Ashley, so it was more like introducing ourselves on a Middle Name basis. So me and Ashley started talking about dreams and what we plan to achieve which was interesting.
She is an aspiring Mechanical Engineer, meaning she must be smart as fuck. *laughs* Please pardon my strong language.
So during our conversation I saw a helper and I went and asked her about the reason im at the queue because im already registered. And she helped me real quick and I was done. So after I finished it was whether to go back and chill with Ashley or should I just leave. And guess what I did? Yep I left, end of story. Thank you for reading.

Lmao just playing, of course I went back and chilled with her and told her that im done. She seemed really sad that I was done and asked me to chill with her. She pulled out the girlfriend card, you know when you with your other half and you enjoying the company and they have to leave and so you pull out Puppy Eyes and the works? Yep she did that to me, and because her eyes were so hypnotizing I fell for her tricks and stayed. In my staying she picked up on the sex talk.
And guess what? This little innocent girl is a freak.
But lets not get into that, it was about an hour into our talk when this other couple sat next to us, they said we looked together that time we not even dating, ncaaww so cute man.
So they liked our conversation so much they joined in, and the girl said she took her step brothers virginity. Lol that was too deep for me, I mean they both live under the same roof and the thing that elevated the story is that she later found out the guy is actually her half brother. Lol oh man it was fun but they disturbed me and the beauty next to me.
So we got back to our business and talked more and she told me that she likes me. Well that was too quick, I mean I didn’t get yo use my charms or anything like that. So I thought she meant that she likes talking to me and im a fun guy to be around and so I asked and this was her response
“Oh no silly. What I mean is I really like you, I mean I wanna be with you.”
It took me by surprise that she was so quick into me. And as I was astonished it was her turn to get help, so I told her to meet me outside so I don’t hold up the line.
As I was standing outside I was going through the process of taking this all in. I mean im too ugly to be liked by such a beautiful girl. And as I was taking this all in I was playing my favourite track at that point which is All Eyez by The Game featuring Jeremih. As the track was playing I felt these warm arms around me and it was her. She gave me a warm hug and asked me to walk her to the rank. As we walked out, there was a guy standing with flowers next to a car, well I didn’t see him because I was too busy admiring the beauty of the M4. What made me realize he was there is Ashley, soon as she saw him she said
“Oh my God what is he doing here?”
Keep in mind that I have my arm on her waist and the booty balancing it and she had her arm in the right back pocket coz she kept grabbing my ass. Not that I have it *lmao*
Long story short the guy is the boyfriend and he came to apologise, she said ” Uhm how about I walk you?” Which was strange coz I was the one walking her. So I let her go and we walked side by side quiet until she stopped me, looked me in the eyes and said “I’m really sorry but I didn’t want any of this to happen, I hope you can forgive me and maybe we can meet up sometime. I love you”
Gave me a kiss and went back to her boyfriend. And I walked to my friends place.
I was playing music in my earphones but I never heard what track was playing. I had flashback to when a girl I was in a relationship with for a year left me standing to go get in her boyfriends car, you should’ve heard the pipes of the Golf 6 R when he revved it up and left.
Everything blurred out and it was suddenly all quiet on the way back. I could hear my chest weighing heavy, legs getting wobbly, I started shaking, could feel my heart shatter into pieces and every piece that fell was scarring my soul. I could feel tears piling up in my eyes but nothing came out. Got to the place without talking to anyone and just slept.
Well you thought this was going to be a happy ever after story huh? Im sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I never saw her again besides we didn’t exchange numbers or Facebook names.
The first part of this piece before going into the actual story was co-written by her, Ashley as she wanted to test my writing skills. She even came up with the Title of this here piece.
That was the last time I ever met a girl that made me feel this way until recently when I met this other beauty but that’s a story for another day.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond and This Is #BrokenSilence

L E T T H E W O R D S S P R A Y
The events and characters depicted in this story are all fiction and just used for pure entertainment

Anxiety vs Love

By: Vaughnay Hlahane

Characters:

Melanie (Main character)
Kim (Melanie’s cousin)
Chantelle (Melanie’s best friend)
Shadrack (Melanie’s boyfriend)
Katy (Shadrack’s other girlfriend)
Miguel (Shadrack’s friend)

This story is about teenage love.

It started with a request on Facebook, and let me say a simple comment…

I fell in love with Shadrack while I was dating somebody else which everyone thought I’d never leave for anyone or anything in this world, but I actually left him for that Shadrack.

As time went on my current boyfriend came across my chats with Shadrack. He realized that I am “cheating” on him. I had to cut all ties with my “one and only Shadrack”.

Things got tough. I got more confused and didn’t know how to handle the situation, but my Shadrack never gave up on me.

It was during the dusty season of August 2013, when I actually realized that I love Shadrack and that I should get him back in my life. One Saturday morning he text me. It is like he knew I was thinking him. I just needed my strength and that’s when I knew he was my weakness…My knight and till today he’s my hero, the one person that would never give up on me and I just hope he realizes the type of role he plays in my life. In this story he leaves me and comes back. I never stopped loving him. He completes me.

To Be Continued…

So Called Challenged Girl

I was sort of the perfect daughter, the good girl, the saint but still sinned. The year 2016 everything changed completely.

When you’ve been through so much difficulties and you are so stressed out that you do not realize that you’re actually busy losing yourself, hoping someone will be there for you. This chapter of my life started. I met this pretty perfect guy, the guy whom I thought was perfect enough for me. I was willing to do anything he asked me to do. I was incapable of handling myself around him. I wanted to try something new, be with someone different and I ended up being different by the illusion, that he completes me.

Sleepless nights I went through while I was with him, because that was the only time I got to think sober minded. I wasn’t in love, but I was in love with the thought of being in love. I craved love and affection or maybe I was just desperate to feel love.

I loved someone else, an ex lover and I discovered that everytime I am in a relationship with someone else. I caused damage, broke so many hearts and gave so many false hope. And the fact that none of my relationships worked out, made me do introspection and I realized I was the problem. I didn’t love myself enough, didn’t believe in myself enough and saw any girl as a threat, because of my low self-esteem.
……

Back to the guy who changed me. It was the greatest three months and I thought I was ready to settle down, but neither of us signed up for a long distance relationship. He left for two weeks and while he was gone, my ex was constantly on my mind. He made me feel wanted and I’ll never feel that warmth again. Sometimes I dreamed about him and so wished it was reality. Nobody will ever understand how much it hurts. How bad I want him but it’s too late. I loved him so much that if ever I tell someone I hate him, my eyes got teary and I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me. Sometimes I wish I can have all those bad times back so I can have the good.

Dear Future Mrs. Raymond [The 9th Letter]

Time :04:12 AM CAT
Date: 14 May 2016

Dear Future Mrs. Raymond

I am writing this letter this morning deeply hurt and in pain. I haven’t slept a bit, I keep tossing and turning.

Usually when its raining I find it real easy to sleep but I’ve had a problem sleeping this morning (well technically it is morning). I have been thinking a lot, about myself, my future and what I would like to achieve in life. Yes, a man on a mission to reach his goals that’s me, but here’s the thing despite me thinking about those, you kept popping up in my head. So I stopped thinking about everything else and the focus turned to you, and when that happened I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out my eyes and falling on the pillow. I know you probably reading this and you’re confused as to whether I had tears of pain or joy coming out my eyes, allow me to indulge you.

These tears are of pain. I wrote letters pleading for you to come forth and reveal yourself. I’ve met a lot of girls whom I thought were you but they weren’t. I’ve been through a lot trying to find you, I broke hearts and I’ve had mine broken in the process.

I recently came across my Primary thru High School crush. Me and her didn’t talk a lot back in the day coz I was scared to approach her but we’ve always been on good terms. Anyway we’ve been talking and we finally had something going on, it was awesome but the matter of fact is that this is the right person for me, but the timing of our meeting wasn’t good because I was sorta seeing someone else.

3 days ago she was raged and she decided we should stop what we were busy with. I tried to accept it and let it all go until I was all alone in the dark searching through the treasures in my mind when it hit me like a football getting closer.

I jumped out of bed and opened my laptop to read all the letters I sent you and I was right I could feel it in my stomach too. The hairs behind my back stood up and I felt my hair clinch like there was Paranormal Activity happening close by. I got mad at myself and I started looking for something sharp just to let all this pain, guilt and anger within me go out. Yes I wanted to self-harm myself the way I was so angry at me.

I turned the light on and looked at myself in the mirror for about 10-20 minutes, my eyes were focused on the man in the mirror while the tears dropped down freely like a waterfall but my mind was busy playing with my emotions. My heart was beating fast so much so I could hear the heartbeat in my ears.

I took my phone and logged into my blog and I went through every letter I ever wrote you and there was only one letter that hit home when I read it.

I realized that this here girl has been the Mrs. Raymond I’ve been looking for all along. I realized that everything I’ve ever written in the letters are true and that’s what has been happening between us all this time.

Isn’t it funny how we never realize the worth of what we have until the point where by we loose it and its hard to get it back? Well its funny how when I get serious its the wrong girl but as soon as I play, I’m playing the right girl.

Let’s take a little trip down memory lane and let me take you back to the first ever “Dear Future Mrs. Raymond” letter posted on the 1st of June 2014, where I said:

“The last thing I want is to meet you and have all this excess baggage that will keep us from being united and grow together. I don’t know who you are, what you look like or what you sound like. I can guarantee that I will be so attracted to you mentally, spiritually, and physically. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if that means waiting years to be with you.”

Reading this passage I realized everything I ever said on it is true and she is the one.

I also said:

“Why aren’t we making out right now? Let’s just stay up and pretend to watch a movie before the week starts.

I hope you’re ready for the most random man you have ever met in your life. I can’t wait to fall in love with all the things you hate about yourself so that you can start loving yourself as well.

If enduring pain, braving shame, despising one’s self for the sake of affection and accepting misery without question is the definition of LOVE, then I LOVE YOU Future Mrs. Raymond.”

And after reading it I realized that right now I have just lost you my Mrs. Raymond. I’ve been writing all these letters looking for you and when I finally meet you after years looking I completely mess it up and I lose you. I’m sorry but that just can’t happen, I LOVE you and I wanna be with you.

If being with you means that I should just drop everything else then I’m willing to do it.

If being with you means that I should make up more time just so I can spend it with you then so be it.

All in all what I’m trying to say is that I will do anything possible just to be with you.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond and I lost my Mrs. Raymond. And I’m hoping through this letter and my actions I will get her back.

B R O K E N S I L E N C E
L E T T H E W O R D S S P R A Y