2 decades old and I still haven’t touched love.

I am BlaQed!

I really don’t know if I’ve been a little too blind, too ignorant or simply too naive to even see what love is in my life or even to me.

…but then again I think my innocence had me looking for love only in the comfort of my own home and nowhere else and my pain embellished fear has forbidden me from taking off the blindfold that has helped turn a blind eye against love for so long because my heart was never really ready to get hurt and actually feel pain.

See…the closest I ever got to being “in love” was finding best friends and promising that I’ll never ever leave their sight.
Dedicating my life to keeping them happy and praying to God that I never do anything to encourage them to leave my sight because I simply know that without them in my life I’ll never survive.

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I once met a good girl
But at the time
She had a man yo
Said she couldn’t date me
But we can still be friends doe
Her boyfriend
Hated that kid bro
Treated her just like a hoe
Like she trash all on the floor
He cheated her
With every Fvcking chick
Then goes back to her
Like it ain’t nix dawg
All I ever wanted
Was to punch this kid bruh
But Im chilled
I ain’t with the shvt bruh
The mami game
Was hella proper
Wit the steeze yo
And sometimes I’d look at her
And just wanna hit boi
The fvckboi
Don’t care about her
Anyway
He fvcks her
Then its back
To his cheating ways
He saw a dumb bitch
That’s on call at any time
I saw a dumb kid
That’s busy playing
Wit a dime
She always praying
That she break the cycle
Back at home
Daddy never ever cared
Mommy Fvcking everywhere
Showed her the light
And now the girl is really mine
She found me and knew
That I will always make her smile
I found her and knew
That I will be balling for life
Wont hesitate
To get a ring
Make her my wife
Called me
Her one and only
Her true lover
With me she never lonely
Coz I lover her
And see that
Was all I ever wanted
For her
One fateful day
Im kicking it
Having a jol
Then suddenly my girlfriend
Received a phone call
Its the hospital
Calling bout the fvckboi
Telling her he critical
The car he drove
A write off
She hung up
Broke into tears
Im looking at her
And now im really scared
I asked her what’s wrong
She couldn’t even
Say a word
Grabbed her bag and took off
Left me lying on the bed
I gave chase
Knowing that something is wrong
Caught up
Looked her in the face
And said what’s really going on?
She looked at me and said
I cant really talk about it
Its nothing major
So please baby
Don’t worry bout it
Got in a cab
And headed straight
To the hospital
She pacing in the hall
Coz his chances are minimal
10 minutes later
Homie didn’t make it
He lost alot of blood
And the doctors
Couldn’t help him
She went home
To find her mom with a new man
Locked herself inside her room
Grabbed a paper and a pen
To my dear mother
Im tired and I’ve had enough
I hope you find
A good man
No more new daddy’s Ma
My first love
Is in a better place
They say he was too drunk
And got into a drag race
He was drinking alot
Because of me
If I never left him
He won’t be in that space
He’d still be here
Brushing my hair
Kissing my face
To my dear true love
Chriz Ray
I just wanna let you know
Its been great
Thank you for all the love
And the cheese cake
I hope you find
A girl
That loves you as you did me
Yours truly
Well I can’t say her name
She pulled out a shoe box
With no shoes in it
All it had was a gun
She got in the streets
Tears running down
The cheeks as she held the piece
Said a prayer
And then she put the gun
On her head
A loud bang
Was all her mother ever heard
Ran to her room
And found her dead
On the bed

Anxiety vs. Love (Chapter 1)

Melanie added Shadrack on Facebook not knowing he would end up owning her heart. Melanie posted a picture on Facebook, quoting it “I love myself.”
And he commented “Maybe I love you too”. She did not expect that, she did not know how to reply to that. Melanie decided to inbox Shadrack. Gave him her number and they started talking on WhatsApp Messenger. All this happened during April 2013. They never met each other, they only spoke via WhatsApp Messenger until August 2013.
Kim was the only one who knew about him before August. She is like
Melanie’s sister. They share everything.
Melanie and Shadrack’s first meeting.
Kim and Chantelle went with Melanie to Shadrack’s hood.
Chantelle: I am still angry at you for not telling me about him.
(Chantelle took out her phone and called her boyfriend to tell him she will be unavailable the whole day.)
Kim: JBS girlfriend, we kept this secret from everyone, she only told me a few weeks ago. I am kind of against this meeting.
(Kim looked Melanie and her facial expression was playing with Melanie’s head.)
Melanie: (Melanie stopped them and looked at them.) Okay let me just make this clear for you two. I love this guy although I have never met him. I am not going to let you guys play with my head. I am telling you this guy is legit and I really have it deep for him.
They kept on walking. Melanie was nervous. Kim did not like the idea at all and Chantelle was cool, she was always sticking by Melanie no matter what she decides on. Her words ‘As long as you are happy’. They saw Shadrack…
Melanie went to Shadrack. Kim and Chantelle went their own way.
Shadrack: Hey (He gave Melanie a hug.)
Melanie: Hey

Shadrack and Melanie had it deep for each other. In this chapter they only meet each other. No kissing… Just a friendly hug. Melanie knew when he hugged her. The love is for real.

To Be Continued

Anxiety vs Love

By: Vaughnay Hlahane

Characters:

Melanie (Main character)
Kim (Melanie’s cousin)
Chantelle (Melanie’s best friend)
Shadrack (Melanie’s boyfriend)
Katy (Shadrack’s other girlfriend)
Miguel (Shadrack’s friend)

This story is about teenage love.

It started with a request on Facebook, and let me say a simple comment…

I fell in love with Shadrack while I was dating somebody else which everyone thought I’d never leave for anyone or anything in this world, but I actually left him for that Shadrack.

As time went on my current boyfriend came across my chats with Shadrack. He realized that I am “cheating” on him. I had to cut all ties with my “one and only Shadrack”.

Things got tough. I got more confused and didn’t know how to handle the situation, but my Shadrack never gave up on me.

It was during the dusty season of August 2013, when I actually realized that I love Shadrack and that I should get him back in my life. One Saturday morning he text me. It is like he knew I was thinking him. I just needed my strength and that’s when I knew he was my weakness…My knight and till today he’s my hero, the one person that would never give up on me and I just hope he realizes the type of role he plays in my life. In this story he leaves me and comes back. I never stopped loving him. He completes me.

To Be Continued…

So Called Challenged Girl

I was sort of the perfect daughter, the good girl, the saint but still sinned. The year 2016 everything changed completely.

When you’ve been through so much difficulties and you are so stressed out that you do not realize that you’re actually busy losing yourself, hoping someone will be there for you. This chapter of my life started. I met this pretty perfect guy, the guy whom I thought was perfect enough for me. I was willing to do anything he asked me to do. I was incapable of handling myself around him. I wanted to try something new, be with someone different and I ended up being different by the illusion, that he completes me.

Sleepless nights I went through while I was with him, because that was the only time I got to think sober minded. I wasn’t in love, but I was in love with the thought of being in love. I craved love and affection or maybe I was just desperate to feel love.

I loved someone else, an ex lover and I discovered that everytime I am in a relationship with someone else. I caused damage, broke so many hearts and gave so many false hope. And the fact that none of my relationships worked out, made me do introspection and I realized I was the problem. I didn’t love myself enough, didn’t believe in myself enough and saw any girl as a threat, because of my low self-esteem.
……

Back to the guy who changed me. It was the greatest three months and I thought I was ready to settle down, but neither of us signed up for a long distance relationship. He left for two weeks and while he was gone, my ex was constantly on my mind. He made me feel wanted and I’ll never feel that warmth again. Sometimes I dreamed about him and so wished it was reality. Nobody will ever understand how much it hurts. How bad I want him but it’s too late. I loved him so much that if ever I tell someone I hate him, my eyes got teary and I feel hopeless, like nothing can save me. Sometimes I wish I can have all those bad times back so I can have the good.

Dear Future Mrs. Raymond [The 9th Letter]

Time :04:12 AM CAT
Date: 14 May 2016

Dear Future Mrs. Raymond

I am writing this letter this morning deeply hurt and in pain. I haven’t slept a bit, I keep tossing and turning.

Usually when its raining I find it real easy to sleep but I’ve had a problem sleeping this morning (well technically it is morning). I have been thinking a lot, about myself, my future and what I would like to achieve in life. Yes, a man on a mission to reach his goals that’s me, but here’s the thing despite me thinking about those, you kept popping up in my head. So I stopped thinking about everything else and the focus turned to you, and when that happened I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out my eyes and falling on the pillow. I know you probably reading this and you’re confused as to whether I had tears of pain or joy coming out my eyes, allow me to indulge you.

These tears are of pain. I wrote letters pleading for you to come forth and reveal yourself. I’ve met a lot of girls whom I thought were you but they weren’t. I’ve been through a lot trying to find you, I broke hearts and I’ve had mine broken in the process.

I recently came across my Primary thru High School crush. Me and her didn’t talk a lot back in the day coz I was scared to approach her but we’ve always been on good terms. Anyway we’ve been talking and we finally had something going on, it was awesome but the matter of fact is that this is the right person for me, but the timing of our meeting wasn’t good because I was sorta seeing someone else.

3 days ago she was raged and she decided we should stop what we were busy with. I tried to accept it and let it all go until I was all alone in the dark searching through the treasures in my mind when it hit me like a football getting closer.

I jumped out of bed and opened my laptop to read all the letters I sent you and I was right I could feel it in my stomach too. The hairs behind my back stood up and I felt my hair clinch like there was Paranormal Activity happening close by. I got mad at myself and I started looking for something sharp just to let all this pain, guilt and anger within me go out. Yes I wanted to self-harm myself the way I was so angry at me.

I turned the light on and looked at myself in the mirror for about 10-20 minutes, my eyes were focused on the man in the mirror while the tears dropped down freely like a waterfall but my mind was busy playing with my emotions. My heart was beating fast so much so I could hear the heartbeat in my ears.

I took my phone and logged into my blog and I went through every letter I ever wrote you and there was only one letter that hit home when I read it.

I realized that this here girl has been the Mrs. Raymond I’ve been looking for all along. I realized that everything I’ve ever written in the letters are true and that’s what has been happening between us all this time.

Isn’t it funny how we never realize the worth of what we have until the point where by we loose it and its hard to get it back? Well its funny how when I get serious its the wrong girl but as soon as I play, I’m playing the right girl.

Let’s take a little trip down memory lane and let me take you back to the first ever “Dear Future Mrs. Raymond” letter posted on the 1st of June 2014, where I said:

“The last thing I want is to meet you and have all this excess baggage that will keep us from being united and grow together. I don’t know who you are, what you look like or what you sound like. I can guarantee that I will be so attracted to you mentally, spiritually, and physically. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if that means waiting years to be with you.”

Reading this passage I realized everything I ever said on it is true and she is the one.

I also said:

“Why aren’t we making out right now? Let’s just stay up and pretend to watch a movie before the week starts.

I hope you’re ready for the most random man you have ever met in your life. I can’t wait to fall in love with all the things you hate about yourself so that you can start loving yourself as well.

If enduring pain, braving shame, despising one’s self for the sake of affection and accepting misery without question is the definition of LOVE, then I LOVE YOU Future Mrs. Raymond.”

And after reading it I realized that right now I have just lost you my Mrs. Raymond. I’ve been writing all these letters looking for you and when I finally meet you after years looking I completely mess it up and I lose you. I’m sorry but that just can’t happen, I LOVE you and I wanna be with you.

If being with you means that I should just drop everything else then I’m willing to do it.

If being with you means that I should make up more time just so I can spend it with you then so be it.

All in all what I’m trying to say is that I will do anything possible just to be with you.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond and I lost my Mrs. Raymond. And I’m hoping through this letter and my actions I will get her back.

B R O K E N S I L E N C E
L E T T H E W O R D S S P R A Y

If I Could

“Now I just spend all this time, trying to make you smile. If I could I would go back in time and make things right.”

Those words are repeatedly playing in my head, I would say like a song but those words actually come from a song I did called “If I Could”.

I don’t wanna go into detail about the song coz it just pains me that I went in studio and recorded it the same time I was left.

My name is Chriztopher Raymond and this my letter to you.

First and foremost I would like to apologize to you because in all honesty im the one that put you in the position that you’re in right now. I know you wont believe that “I never meant to hurt you” line because you’ve probably heard it a thousand times before.

This just feels like deja vu. We went through the same thing last time and yet here we are again. Fighting over some other girl that’s ruining our happiness. I cant help but fight back tears as I write you this letter. Im mad at you because you led me to believe that we were never gonna be, that you don’t believe in love anymore because of the heartbreak you’ve been through. But then again I’m mad at myself for the most part because we had a great vibe going on and I just had to ruin it by going back to the same girl as soon as you pushed me aways because I didn’t think you wanted me anymore. And as soon as things were up and running with her you came back like you felt it.

Instead of me pulling you back everytime you pushed me away I actually let you. Stupid me. And I say it again STUPID ME!! Everytime you give me a chance to a better life I keep blowing it, and this is the second time and I highly doubt that you are gonna give me a third one.

Isn’t it ironic how everytime I find the girl I want I just fvck up all because I cant see what she has to offer.

I read a quote that said:

“Men cheat not because they don’t see what they have but because they are paying more attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have”

Now all I ask for is not much, all I ask for is that you let me know how you really feel about me and if there’s anyway in Heaven me and you can be together.

Secondly all I ask for is that you tell me what you want from me, your expectations and everything.

And lastly I ask for your forgiveness and babe wont you please come back home.

“Breaking up is really hard to do. I don’t know what I would be without you. I need you. I need you. Coz I don’t know what I would be without you.”

My Name is Chriztopher Raymond and This Is #BrokenSilence