Dear Future Mrs. Raymond [The 9th Letter]

Time :04:12 AM CAT
Date: 14 May 2016

Dear Future Mrs. Raymond

I am writing this letter this morning deeply hurt and in pain. I haven’t slept a bit, I keep tossing and turning.

Usually when its raining I find it real easy to sleep but I’ve had a problem sleeping this morning (well technically it is morning). I have been thinking a lot, about myself, my future and what I would like to achieve in life. Yes, a man on a mission to reach his goals that’s me, but here’s the thing despite me thinking about those, you kept popping up in my head. So I stopped thinking about everything else and the focus turned to you, and when that happened I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out my eyes and falling on the pillow. I know you probably reading this and you’re confused as to whether I had tears of pain or joy coming out my eyes, allow me to indulge you.

These tears are of pain. I wrote letters pleading for you to come forth and reveal yourself. I’ve met a lot of girls whom I thought were you but they weren’t. I’ve been through a lot trying to find you, I broke hearts and I’ve had mine broken in the process.

I recently came across my Primary thru High School crush. Me and her didn’t talk a lot back in the day coz I was scared to approach her but we’ve always been on good terms. Anyway we’ve been talking and we finally had something going on, it was awesome but the matter of fact is that this is the right person for me, but the timing of our meeting wasn’t good because I was sorta seeing someone else.

3 days ago she was raged and she decided we should stop what we were busy with. I tried to accept it and let it all go until I was all alone in the dark searching through the treasures in my mind when it hit me like a football getting closer.

I jumped out of bed and opened my laptop to read all the letters I sent you and I was right I could feel it in my stomach too. The hairs behind my back stood up and I felt my hair clinch like there was Paranormal Activity happening close by. I got mad at myself and I started looking for something sharp just to let all this pain, guilt and anger within me go out. Yes I wanted to self-harm myself the way I was so angry at me.

I turned the light on and looked at myself in the mirror for about 10-20 minutes, my eyes were focused on the man in the mirror while the tears dropped down freely like a waterfall but my mind was busy playing with my emotions. My heart was beating fast so much so I could hear the heartbeat in my ears.

I took my phone and logged into my blog and I went through every letter I ever wrote you and there was only one letter that hit home when I read it.

I realized that this here girl has been the Mrs. Raymond I’ve been looking for all along. I realized that everything I’ve ever written in the letters are true and that’s what has been happening between us all this time.

Isn’t it funny how we never realize the worth of what we have until the point where by we loose it and its hard to get it back? Well its funny how when I get serious its the wrong girl but as soon as I play, I’m playing the right girl.

Let’s take a little trip down memory lane and let me take you back to the first ever “Dear Future Mrs. Raymond” letter posted on the 1st of June 2014, where I said:

“The last thing I want is to meet you and have all this excess baggage that will keep us from being united and grow together. I don’t know who you are, what you look like or what you sound like. I can guarantee that I will be so attracted to you mentally, spiritually, and physically. And I will do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if that means waiting years to be with you.”

Reading this passage I realized everything I ever said on it is true and she is the one.

I also said:

“Why aren’t we making out right now? Let’s just stay up and pretend to watch a movie before the week starts.

I hope you’re ready for the most random man you have ever met in your life. I can’t wait to fall in love with all the things you hate about yourself so that you can start loving yourself as well.

If enduring pain, braving shame, despising one’s self for the sake of affection and accepting misery without question is the definition of LOVE, then I LOVE YOU Future Mrs. Raymond.”

And after reading it I realized that right now I have just lost you my Mrs. Raymond. I’ve been writing all these letters looking for you and when I finally meet you after years looking I completely mess it up and I lose you. I’m sorry but that just can’t happen, I LOVE you and I wanna be with you.

If being with you means that I should just drop everything else then I’m willing to do it.

If being with you means that I should make up more time just so I can spend it with you then so be it.

All in all what I’m trying to say is that I will do anything possible just to be with you.

My Name Is Chriztopher Raymond and I lost my Mrs. Raymond. And I’m hoping through this letter and my actions I will get her back.

B R O K E N S I L E N C E
L E T T H E W O R D S S P R A Y

If I Could

“Now I just spend all this time, trying to make you smile. If I could I would go back in time and make things right.”

Those words are repeatedly playing in my head, I would say like a song but those words actually come from a song I did called “If I Could”.

I don’t wanna go into detail about the song coz it just pains me that I went in studio and recorded it the same time I was left.

My name is Chriztopher Raymond and this my letter to you.

First and foremost I would like to apologize to you because in all honesty im the one that put you in the position that you’re in right now. I know you wont believe that “I never meant to hurt you” line because you’ve probably heard it a thousand times before.

This just feels like deja vu. We went through the same thing last time and yet here we are again. Fighting over some other girl that’s ruining our happiness. I cant help but fight back tears as I write you this letter. Im mad at you because you led me to believe that we were never gonna be, that you don’t believe in love anymore because of the heartbreak you’ve been through. But then again I’m mad at myself for the most part because we had a great vibe going on and I just had to ruin it by going back to the same girl as soon as you pushed me aways because I didn’t think you wanted me anymore. And as soon as things were up and running with her you came back like you felt it.

Instead of me pulling you back everytime you pushed me away I actually let you. Stupid me. And I say it again STUPID ME!! Everytime you give me a chance to a better life I keep blowing it, and this is the second time and I highly doubt that you are gonna give me a third one.

Isn’t it ironic how everytime I find the girl I want I just fvck up all because I cant see what she has to offer.

I read a quote that said:

“Men cheat not because they don’t see what they have but because they are paying more attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have”

Now all I ask for is not much, all I ask for is that you let me know how you really feel about me and if there’s anyway in Heaven me and you can be together.

Secondly all I ask for is that you tell me what you want from me, your expectations and everything.

And lastly I ask for your forgiveness and babe wont you please come back home.

“Breaking up is really hard to do. I don’t know what I would be without you. I need you. I need you. Coz I don’t know what I would be without you.”

My Name is Chriztopher Raymond and This Is #BrokenSilence

I Found..

I found myself dreaming of you. I’m hoping that dream comes true.

I found myself thinking of the times we had. Its so sad that they had to be gone so fast and that’s sad.

I found myself wishing upon stars. But my wishes can’t come to life coz of the lack of trust.

I found myself smiling when I read our old texts. But it hurt me to know that you still loved your ex.

I found myself mistaking people for you. Guess that’s how much I really wanna see you.

I found myself single coz I couldn’t find a girl that wanted to mingle.

I found myself cuddling with a girl I hit a one night stand with just so I could hold her the way I used to hold you.

I found myself hating commitments coz I can’t commit if it ain’t with you.

I found myself lost in thoughts having flashbacks. Not really an interesting sight but the walk down memory lane was great.

I found myself writing this and I laughed thinking ” Damn i Miss you”. Then it hit me that you probably don’t even think about me. You probably don’t give 2 cents about what happens in my life.

I Did You Wrong

It hurts me more to know that I have hurt you. I know you probably don’t believe me but it’s true. Having you angry brings me down. Having you sad brings tears to my eyes. Making you smile brings joy to my heart. But having you crying night after night sleeplessly just brings wounds to my soul. We all make mistakes, it’s in our human nature. We can forgive but being forgetting strives to be hard.

I’m man enough to admit to my mistakes, yes I did you wrong. There’s a saying that goes “We hurt the ones we love the most”, that applies to me too. One stupid thing I did was hurting the girl i’ve been through so much with, for a girl that i’m probably never going to see again. I’ve brought so much pain, anger and tears to your eyes sometimes it feels like I am not the one for you. But then again I’M NOT PERFECT. I sometimes feel that you doing me a favour by sticking with me, GOD knows I do. Every night I pray to Him to help make me a better man than I am to you. I know very well that He helps those that help themselves, that is why I am going all out in doing some other things.

I am not about to let one girl come between us, we’ve been through to much for me to let that happen. I’m scared that right now I love you more than you love me. I’m scared that you will find someone who is going to treat you better. I’m scared that one day you will just leave me for another guy. Call me whatever you want but I know it’s all out of anger.

My love for you will never die. I’m sorry I broke you heart. If I could turn back the hands of time trust me, I would and make things right.

I love you too much to let you go. I know that one day you will be able to forgive me and we will move on. I hope that day comes soon.